1. Become a vegetarian. The meat packing industry hires many illegal immigrants, not because they want to break the law but because hey, it’s tough finding folks willing to chop up dead animals all day long. Those that enjoy it are usually behind bars. Anyone who has a career choice, won’t. And if you drink milk, the average cow prefers a 5am and 5pm daily routine. Otherwise they explode and who’s going to clean it up, which brings us to the next solution.
2. Plant a garden. Remember the farm workers? We felt so noble boycotting lettuce to get them fair treatment. How’s that working out? We treat them so well they all want to come. So if you really want them to leave, stop buying fresh produce and grow your own! Start a community garden and get to know your neighbors! Make a chart, showing whose day it is to weed the damn thing. Serious fines and punishment for those who shirk. This is serious, folks, there are 12 million, all of whom have jobs, every little bit helps.
3. Clean your own house. Maids used to be black. Since blacks used to be slaves, it was a step up. We called them mammies. We sucked as human beings. Now that illegals do it, we give them a tiny bed, a broken TV, 14 hour workdays with ½ day off occasionally, all for $50 a week and tell them how lucky they are to have a job. But they’re in America and know if they can learn the ropes they can secretly give you the finger and move on. Who can say, “Take this job and shove it” in Spanish?
4. Raise your own kids. See above.
5. Mow you own lawn. Remember that? Kids and yardwork and Saturday spelled America. Now there are parents afraid to alienate their kids by giving them chores. Ever see a guy with a leaf blower that wasn’t Hispanic? Anyone over 40 remembers raking the damn things and seeing how unfair life could be when the wind blew it back. Back in the day, Japanese did it, now they own half of us.
6. Wash your own car. Remember Saturdays with Dad and the hose and water fights when he wasn’t looking? Check out a car wash, 40 guys running around on a hot day just to bang your mirror sideways. Washing a car is just not fun when there are so many video games and so little time – that’s why your teenagers disappear with their iPod, Sidekick and cell – which mysteriously doesn’t work when you try to find them.
7. Live in a smaller house. Studies show construction is one of the largest employers of illegal immigrants, again not to break the law but hey, that’s a tough job. Sure you get a great bod, and hit on women, but you can do that much better in an air conditioned gym with a personal trainer and custom juice blend. Do you absolutely need 9 bedrooms and 6 baths? McMansions need lots of McLaborers.
8. No fast food. This one will take care of itself because you won’t be tempted to do takeout once your garden is up and running All those tasty lettuce leaves, extra-large penis-shaped zucchini and seasonal cukes will make you forget In-n-Out burgers.
9. Pay more taxes. More taxes beget more police to get down and dirty on those pesky perps who clog our beloved freeways sans license and insurance. You may have less money in your pocket but you’ll be home to eat dinner with the kids as traffic flow improves. Also, insurance scams will disappear once there are enough officers to investigate every accident. PS - A caveat. You in LA should only do cocaine at home, because the city will be lousy with cops looking for erratic drivers. They may racial profile but they won’t ignore crossing 4 lanes twice in 90 seconds.
10. Buy Mexican. Issue all Social Security checks in pesos. Millions of baby boomers are retiring. 12 million of them, in fact. An even steven exchange. All those service industry workers can return home to their families to take care of them. Bonus: No more feeble parents around, sucking up our time and energy. Money goes so much further south of the border. Really, it's a two-fer. Illegals return home for the new jobs, we lose non-productive geriatrics. Then our country will again resemble the vast open spaces like our founding fathers intended.
And here are the ten reasons why we will never resolve the issue:
1. The US Government considers it foreign aid.
2. People need someone to blame for whatever they’re upset about and ILLEGAL immigration is a one-size-fits-all bitchfest.
3. We pay more. Until they can live well there, they will come here.
4. The business community saves a bundle. Sure, they say they can’t find anyone to take the job, but what they mean is that legal employees have become ungrateful and greedy, demanding all those pesky extras, like health care, safe working environment, days off and pensions.
5. All their friends are here.
6. We can’t solve our own societal issues like crooked politicians, crime and poverty, let alone resolve theirs.
7. Restaurants would institute a surcharge, like shipping companies when oil prices go up. The cost of eating out would be so prohibitive we’d all have to go to Mexico for our food.
8. Schools may complain about kids who don’t speak English but they get extra money to teach them. Cops, lawyers, translators, mom & pop stores, car thieves, will lose their jobs.
9. The housing bubble won’t just burst it will explode if 12 million people leave. (One plus: Those gouging landlords who charge $500 week for a ratty mattress in a room with 8 others, good riddance.)
10. The US still consumes massive quantities of illegal substances and they still come from south of the border. Get rid of drugs and our economy collapses – prisons, lawyers, trials, lawyers, bodyguards and sellers of yachts, Mercedes’ and everything else paid for in cash by drug lords. Not to mention all the things we replace because it was stolen by someone feeding a habit.
Bottom line – Get over it. Illegal immigration is what politicians talk about when they want to divert attention from their real screw-ups. It’s a gift to business without resolving issues like minimum wage and health care. Everyone who buys produce or meat, or buys a house or uses a gardener is a contributor to the problem. The nasty dirty truth is we want all those illegals to do the work at substandard rates; we just don’t want to see them. And with an estimated 12 million, that’s getting tougher.